In life, you will make mistakes. Sometimes really big mistakes. Sometimes you’ll even make the same mistake more than once, and you’ll make a complete fool of yourself. (At least I really hope I’m not the only one who’s done this. Tell me I’m not?)

You will hurt people. There is simply no way to avoid this, unless you spend your whole life living alone in a cave. You will hurt people close to you, and people not so close… But the closer they are, the more likely you are to hurt them. You will let out the ugliest parts of yourself, and you will drive people away. Though it will be the last thing you want to do, you’ll end up doing it anyway. It’s ironic, but the more desperate you are for love and companionship and belonging, and the more frantically you grasp at those things, the more swiftly they will run away from you. Because you have to learn. You have to learn that love won’t come to you until you stop trying so hard to hold onto it.

And if you’re human, which I’m assuming you are, one of two things will happen. Either you’ll adopt a victim mentality and convince yourself it was all someone else’s fault, or you will see it as your own fault and be wracked with guilt and shame.

If you take the victim approach, you’ll never learn. You’ll keep on plowing through relationship after relationship, friend after friend, and you’ll wonder why things never seem to work out. You’ll probably figure you’re just unlucky. And you will never understand. Of course, maybe much of it really was someone else’s fault, but what can you do about that? You can’t change other people. And so you will be left helpless.

The only person you can change is yourself. But if you decide to accept responsibility for your actions, it won’t be easy. The guilt and the shame will keep you up at night and wake you early in the morning. They will force you to gaze into the depths of your soul and ask yourself, “Why? Why do I hurt people? Why do I drive people away? Why do I do things I know are foolish? And how can I change?”

And when that happens, be grateful. Realize that life is giving you a big opportunity to improve yourself. See that life is giving you a challenge, and rise to it. Do not ask life what the meaning of it all is, but realize that life is asking you to find your own meaning. Know that you have been given a gift: the gift of being able to see your own shortcomings. (God knows some people never see their shortcomings.) And understand that your shortcomings and your mistakes do not define you, but that you can rise above them and even make them into something beautiful. This is the glory of being human.

You don’t have to be the same person you were yesterday, or even a few moments ago. You are here on earth to constantly change and improve yourself, to become the best you can be.

So learn to let go. Let go of the person you once were. Let go of the limiting identity you’ve been imposing on yourself. Stop saying things like, “That’s just the way I am,” or “I can’t help it,” or “I can’t change.” You can change, and you must change if you want to find love and happiness.

And learn to let go of people. Stop telling yourself you “can’t live without” someone, that you “need” a certain someone to make you feel special, to give you their love. You don’t. Open your eyes! The truth is that the world is full of love, it’s all around you, and it’s been there waiting to come pouring into you all along. It’s waiting for you to just let go.

Let go of the key that locks up your heart. Break down the walls. Because those walls are keeping love in, and they’re keeping it out. Open the floodgates and let all the love inside you go pouring out into all the world, and watch as it comes pouring right back to you in an endless stream. Don’t ask for anything in return, but rejoice when you receive it anyway. Because you will.

Love that’s not freely given is not real love, but an ugly, twisted thing you’re trying to disguise as love. And you’re not fooling anyone but yourself.

So just let go. Stop grasping, and start giving. And I promise you everything will be okay.

*Image credit: catholicexchange.com

Greetings from the USA! I came back here from Taiwan one week ago, and after finally recovering from jet lag I was left feeling unsure what to write about. So yesterday I posted this on my Facebook page:

In this post I’m going to do something a little different and simply respond to all the suggestions people left me. Here goes!

• I’m a big fan of education, but I think education at school usually sucks.
• I traveled back to the US from Taiwan on Korean Airlines, and it was probably the nicest airline I’ve been on so far! Even economy class wasn’t bad. They had nice screens on the backs of the seats with a wide variety of movies to choose from, the seats were at least decently comfortable and the food was actually pretty good. I guess it’s really true what they say about Asian airlines being better!
• I ate fried eggs and yogurt for breakfast this morning.
• Last night I watched a documentary about plant behavior. (Yes, apparently plants have “behavior”!) It was really fascinating.
• I felt pretty darned good about deciding not to get another job.

• I have often felt like I’d only stayed in a place just long enough to get comfortable there and start to make real friends, only to have to leave and start all over again. I have a few good friends around the world who I keep in touch with wherever I go, but I’ve found that such friends are few and far between, and most people simply won’t make the effort to keep in constant touch with you once you’ve left. It’s hard to blame them, really— after all, most people are settled in one place and have a local network of friends they can rely on, and it seems only natural for people to prioritize the friends they can be there for in person. “Out of sight, out of mind”, right? So I sometimes feel envious of people who have a group of friends they’ve been close to since high school, who always have someone to call when they’re feeling lonely, etc. I’ve also had to miss out on some things at home like my brother’s high school graduation, several Christmases, funerals of relatives, and so on. Obviously I also see a lot of benefits to this kind of lifestyle, or I wouldn’t be living it… But I certainly can’t pretend it’s all sunshine and rainbows. I think this is an interesting topic and I could write a lot more about it, so maybe I’ll write a whole post about it later.

• 言語！！  語言！！  Les langues !!  ¡¡Los idiomas!!  языки!!    Okay, but seriously… I am still studying languages, and I have some ideas for language-related projects I’d like to do in the near future. Specifically, I’d like to create a resource for learning Japanese pitch accent, which is something that unfortunately tends to be ignored in most Japanese courses for foreigners. I’ll tell you more about it soon!
  

• Ooh, that’s difficult! Actually I’m really bad at answering questions of the “What’s your favorite ~?” variety, because I can never choose any one thing. I also have this aversion to making really definitive statements in general. I feel like I have to consider all the different sides and variables, so I’m always saying things like, “It depends…”. So my answer to this question would be “It depends on my mood.” I know some people might find that annoying though, so I’ll give you a few examples (in no particular order) of some foreign foods I like: Bibimbap, Miso soup, Chinese dumplings, Indian curry, Thai curry (actually any kind of curry!), etc… So I guess I’m mostly partial to Asian foods in general.

• On becoming self-employed: A reader of this blog suggested I check out a website called Gengo.com, where you can sign up to be a freelance translator. So I signed up for it and have actually made some money translating texts from Japanese to English. (Thanks to Mark for the suggestion!) The rates are really not so great compared to what professional translators usually make, but it’s kind of fun and has been a good way to make some quick cash, which is what I need right now. I’ve also been teaching English lessons to a few people over Skype. There are several more things I plan on doing, but I think I’ve gotten off to a good start, and if nothing else I feel confident that I can find ways to support myself without relying on a full-time job.
• The next place I want to travel to is Hawaii! I’ve actually wanted to go there for a long time because I’ve heard so much about how beautiful it is, but I’ve become especially interested in it recently since I started learning to play the ukulele. I also know there are tons of Japanese and Chinese people in Hawaii, so I would be able to speak those languages there.
• I would like to learn new languages eventually, but right now I want to focus on improving the languages I’ve already started to learn. Currently I’m still working on my Mandarin.
• As far as overcoming shyness about opening up online, I think the turning point was when I came to believe I actually had things worth sharing. After that, it was really a matter of “just doing it”. Once I did it, I found it really wasn’t that bad, and in fact it was thrilling! I would say the same thing is true of speaking to people in a foreign language. It’s only natural to feel nervous about speaking a language you’re not really fluent in, but as long as you have a strong desire to speak the language because you believe it will be worthwhile, you can push through the nervousness and just do it. In such situations, I also find it helps a lot to think about exactly how I’m going to start the conversation before I go up to the person. Getting the conversation started is the hardest part, but from there things usually flow more easily than you might expect!

• I’m sure this is an interesting video, but unfortunately I don’t know Italian! It’s funny how some people seem to just assume I understand all these languages… ^^;;

• I certainly think there are a lot of benefits to language learning, and I do think more people should learn a foreign language. But learning a language takes a lot of time and effort, and realistically, speaking one foreign language is probably enough for most people. If someone wants to become a polyglot, that’s awesome, but it’s not for everyone. It seems to me that there are many different ways to learn about the world, become more open-minded, and enhance your ability to contribute to society, and learning languages is just one of them. It also seems to me that people like government leaders have a tremendous amount of things they need to dedicate their time to, and that learning a lot of languages may not necessarily be the best use of that time. Although I do want to encourage more people to learn a foreign language, I’m not out to turn everyone into a polyglot.

• I already addressed this above, but nope, not yet. ^^;

• Good idea! If anyone has any more questions, ask in the comments and I’ll answer. Or if your question is really interesting, I might write a whole post about it.

I’ve been in Taiwan for nearly two months now. Although I’ll be going back to the US soon instead of staying here for a year like I originally intended, it’s been fun revisiting Taiwan and noticing all the things that haven’t changed in the six years since I last lived here. There’s still a 7-11 on nearly every corner, friendly street vendors still sell cheap bowls of beef noodles, and hoards of locals still buzz around the streets on scooters.

It seems like a lot of the expats I’ve talked with recently have negative attitudes about Taiwan, which I think is really a shame. I mean sure, there are bound to be things here you dislike (as will be the case with any place you live), but there really are a lot of great things about Taiwan, and I personally think it’s one of the best places to live and work in Asia. It’s also a really fun place to visit, and I don’t understand why so many travelers seem to leave it off their lists. So for those of you who need some convincing, here are a few reasons why I think Taiwan is a place worth visiting.

The food. Oh yeah, and did I mention the food?

In Taiwan, there are so many little restaurants and street vendors everywhere selling good, cheap food that many locals don’t even bother to cook! And you can find everything from local specialties like beef noodles and “gravy rice” to other varieties of Asian cuisine like Japanese, Korean, Thai and Vietnamese. There are also restaurants selling Western-style food of course, but they tend to be a little more expensive (and not as tasty in my opinion)!

A stall selling Stinky Tofu at Shilin Night Market in Taipei

One of my favorite things about food in Taiwan is the breakfast shops. These are shops that specialize in selling nothing but breakfast, and it seems like everyone gets their breakfast at one of these places every day rather than making it at home. The Taiwanese idea of “breakfast food” is quite different from what Westerners are used to, but if you can get past the initial odd feeling of eating hamburgers and sandwiches (yes really) for breakfast, it’s really tasty and much more satisfying than cereal or toast. Some other common breakfast foods here are danbing (thin pancakes you can get filled with things like eggs, ham, or cheese) and something called a “radish cake” (which sounds strange but is really delicious). The food is traditionally washed down with a glass of warm soy milk, though the shops have things like coffee, tea and orange juice as well.

And then there are the night markets. These usually open around 4 pm and go past midnight, and pretty much every city in Taiwan has one– or in the case of big cities like Taipei, several. This is where to go to try famous Taiwanese street foods, including “stinky tofu” and “pig’s blood cake” for those of you who are brave enough! (And believe me, the stinky tofu is really stinky.) But don’t worry, there are also plenty of more “tame” foods like fried chicken and sliced tropical fruits.

Of course, at the night markets you can also find lots of other things besides food, such as cheap clothing and accessories. They also have a lot of fun games like dart-throwing and goldfish-catching (which is rather difficult because you have to catch the fish using circles of thin paper)!

The Convenience Stores. Remember I said there’s a 7-11 on nearly every corner? Well if there’s no 7-11, there’s a Family Mart or an OK Mart (and they’re all pretty much the same thing). If you don’t see one, just walk a few blocks and you’re sure to come across one. Seriously. Interestingly, it’s even quite common to see two convenience stores right next to each other!

These compact little stores sell drinks, snack foods, and basic toiletries. What’s so great about them is that 1) they’re everywhere, and 2) you can do just about anything you might need to do at these stores. You can mail packages, use the ATM, make copies or send faxes, and even bring your laptop to use their free WiFi. (I’m actually posting this from a 7-11, since the place I’m staying at now doesn’t have the Internet.) And they didn’t have these the last time I was here, but recently they’ve even added espresso machines so you can get yourself a fresh latte as well!

Although convenience stores are equally as ubiquitous in Japan and some other Asian countries, the Taiwanese convenience stores definitely win first prize for convenience in my book (and I’ve been around). I mean, they have espresso machines! Come on.

The People. By far my favorite thing about Taiwan is the people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been touched by the kindness and generosity of complete strangers here. If they see that you have a problem, they will go out of their way to help you and never ask for anything in return.

When I first got here, I didn’t have a cell phone, but needed to get one for work. When I casually mentioned this to a Taiwanese guy I’d just met through a language exchange website, he offered to go with me since he was planning on getting a new phone as well. So I went with him, but I never expected that he would lend me his old phone and even insist on paying for my SIM card! I was really surprised, because this guy really didn’t know me at all. I tried to pay him back but he would hear nothing of it, and the best I could do was to buy him a bowl of noodles afterwards.

And when I lost my job and had to move out of the apartment my former employers had provided me with, a Taiwanese woman I knew from my hometown in the states insisted that I stay with her brother’s family here. I had only met her brother once and barely knew him, but since I really couldn’t afford to stay at a hotel, I gave him a call. He said I was welcome to come any time I wanted, so I’ve been staying at his house for a few days now. He and his family have been so generous, inviting me to eat meals with them and refusing to let me pay for anything. I don’t even know these people, and yet they’ve welcomed me like a member of their family.

There have been other things too. Once I asked a woman at a food stall for directions to the metro station, and she came following after me on her bicycle to make sure I got there! I could tell you more stories, but I think you get the idea. Taiwanese people are some of the kindest I’ve met anywhere.

So, what do you think? Does this list make you want to visit Taiwan? And if you’ve been here before, do you agree with what I’ve written? Is there anything else you would add?

Well okay, actually I’ve been directionally challenged my whole life– not just since 2005! But did you know that the AOTDC blog (Yes, I just made my blog title into an acronym to make it sound like something important. Shut up.) has existed since 2005? You didn’t know that, did you? Did you?

With some coworkers in Taiwan, in 2007.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The first incarnation of this blog was on a platform called Xanga, which was popular on my college campus at the time. I started it as a way to keep my family and friends updated on my life abroad, and my family and friends were really the only people who read it. But if your eyes can handle reading lavender font on a black background (Ugh! What was I thinking?), you can venture over there, click back through the archives and read about my adventures traveling to Russia, studying in China, applying to the JET program (which I never got into), graduating from college, working as a summer camp counselor, and teaching English in Taiwan. Click if you dare: janalisa.xanga.com

If you clicked on that link and actually went back through all the pages (and wow, I’m sorry for your eyes if you did), you may have noticed that I posted more or less continuously from September 2005 to February 2008, after which time I didn’t post anything for over two years. My last post announced that I’d be moving to Japan in a few days… and then I disappeared from the Internet. If you want to know why, you can find out on the second incarnation of this blog, which began in July 2010. There are only a couple pages of posts there, but they chronicle some of my experiences living in Yokohama, traveling to Thailand, and beginning to have mixed feelings about life in Japan. (And thankfully I chose a color scheme that’s much easier on the eyes this time!) Now without further ado, I present AOTDC Version 2.0: aofthedc.blogspot.com

Then finally, in April 2011 I got serious. I bought a domain name, designed my own banner, and built the website you’re looking at right now. I did have the vague idea that maybe I could find a way to make money through blogging, but it was about more than that. It was about believing I had a message worth sharing and finding the courage to go public with it. For a while I did pretty well, posting often and gradually building an audience, and the response I got from the small audience I did have was really encouraging. I got messages from strangers saying they were inspired by my writing, and I was so touched by this that I forgot all about the idea of using my blog as a way to make money. I hated the idea of putting advertisements on it anyway, and I didn’t have any brilliant ideas for ebooks or anything like that, but I didn’t really know how else I could earn money through blogging.

I knew that I didn’t want to continue living in Japan working at a Japanese school or company where I would be expected to dedicate my life to my job. That was why I left Japan in the first place. I knew I wanted something more, something different. I knew I wanted it to involve traveling, doing the things I love and sharing my message with the world, but I just didn’t know how exactly to make all that happen.

In any case, I knew I wanted to get out of Japan and do something other than teach English, which is why I spent my last several months in Japan saving up enough money to last me over a year (even while continuing to make payments on my student loans). Then after five months in the US spent working on this blog and wondering what I was doing with my life, I went to France to spend ten months as an au pair. Those of you who’ve been following along know that I ended up reconnecting with my passion for music while I was there, and then going back to the US to record an album in my dad’s studio. I still didn’t know what I was going to do with my life, and my savings were running out, but all I could think about at that time was making music. I began to have thoughts that maybe, just maybe, music was the way I was meant to share my message with the world. I got so into it that I almost stopped posting on this blog.

But my savings were indeed running out, and there was no escaping the fact that I would have to pay off my student loan debts somehow. I was also starting to feel restless after a few months at my parents’ house, especially after I had gotten all my own parts recorded on my album and couldn’t really do anything but wait for other musicians to contribute or for my dad to get the mixing done. And so I guess it was only natural that I began to think of doing what I’d done before to get out of the US while also making money: teaching English. I knew it wouldn’t be my ideal situation. I knew there were a lot of things I didn’t like about teaching in schools that were more like businesses, using methods that weren’t even effective, often to kids who didn’t even want to learn and who were overwhelmed with too many cram school classes. I also just didn’t like being told what to do, how to do it, where to do it, and when to do it. But I figured I could handle it. I was older and wiser and more mature now, and if I just kept a positive attitude it would be fine. If I worked hard, I could pay off my student loans within a year, and then I’d be free to do whatever I wanted.

So I started sending off my resume to English schools. On one hand I was resigned to the thought that whatever job I got would probably suck somewhat, but on the other hand I also knew enough about the industry to avoid the worst ones, and I was determined to get myself the best job I could find. And then I found one in Taiwan that almost seemed too good to be true.

It was a small, private school run by two American teachers. It was obvious from our Skype conversation that they were extremely passionate about teaching and had put a lot of effort into designing an effective curriculum. They kept their class sizes small, and only accepted students they really felt would learn well at their school. They told me how much all the kids loved their classes, and how quickly they learned. They trained their teachers thoroughly in their curriculum as well as classroom management techniques. What’s more, the school was located in the most international district of Taipei, and they had many Japanese and Korean students as well as Taiwanese. They seemed excited about the fact that I knew Japanese, since they were apparently having difficulties communicating with some of the Japanese parents.

So here was a teaching job where my students would actually be learning something, the other teachers actually cared about things other than just making money, and I could even use my Japanese while improving my Chinese as well! Here was a job I could actually feel good about doing. I became really excited about it and enthusiastically accepted when I was offered the job.

But of course, you know what happened if you’ve read my last two posts. I got fired after just two weeks for “not being passionate enough” about teaching. The truth is that I was a bit disillusioned about the ESL industry due to my past experiences, but I was very optimistic about this new job and willing to learn new things. I certainly couldn’t claim to be so passionate about teaching that I was ready to dedicate my life to it, but I was willing to give it a year at least. I was willing to do my part. But apparently that wasn’t good enough for them– even though I’d been completely honest about my intentions and my mindset from the beginning. And then when I called them out, they tried to make me feel bad about it.

You know what though? They did me a favor. They reminded me of two things: 1) Getting a job teaching English wasn’t what I really wanted to do in the first place, and 2) Even if I got a job I actually enjoyed, there was no guarantee I could keep that job. (A little side story on that note: The first school I worked at in Japan actually went bankrupt and closed just two months after I left! I got lucky with good timing, but the teacher they hired to replace me was left without a job. Actually that particular teacher had really bad luck, since that was his second time being left stranded by a school going bankrupt!)

And so I finally got back into the spirit I was in when I first started AOTDC Version 3.0 two years ago. I remembered all the things I knew in my heart then, but had somehow forgotten. The things I wrote in one of my very first posts on this blog:

“I knew that I couldn’t stay in Japan for the rest of my life– nor did I want to. I knew that I couldn’t continue teaching English, or have a normal full-time job ever again. I couldn’t pursue the stereotypical things people pursue in life– a stable job, a white picket fence, a happy marriage and 2.5 kids– because I didn’t want any of those things, and that was okay. It was only by being myself that I could change the world for the better. I knew that I had to keep traveling the world, learning languages, and trying to understand the cultures of the people who speak them. And I had to write about it. I have to write about it. And I have to share it with as many people as possible.”

-”This is My Mission: Will You Help Me?” April 24, 2011

(To those of you who thought my decision to become self-employed was an impulsive one sparked by a fit of emotion or by the influences of others, let the above serve as proof that I have in fact felt for quite some time that I never want to “have a normal full-time job ever again.”)

The future still isn’t perfectly clear, but I don’t expect it ever will be. In any case, I know I have skills and talents that are valuable, and I know I have the ability to create the kind of life I want for myself. I’ve had enough of sitting around waiting for the perfect ship to come in on the perfect day. That perfect ship may never come, so I’m building a raft and paddling out into the storm. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy, because I know I can make it. Let the adventures continue!

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Before I end this post, there are just a few things I’d like to clear up:

• I will never fill this blog with annoying advertisements or turn it into a platform mainly used to sell things. I’m not saying I’ll never sell anything here (I might), but that will never become the main focus of this blog. This blog is and always will be about spreading my message and connecting with people, and it will be worth continuing to write even if I never make a dime from it. I will also never sell or promote anything I wouldn’t honestly recommend and be willing to pay for myself.

• A commenter on my last post guessed that I would be making money by teaching English online, and I acknowledged that this is indeed one of the things I plan to do. This resulted in some confusion, since I had stated before that I “wasn’t that passionate” about teaching English, and some people thought this seemed contradictory. I want to make it clear what I meant: I’m not that passionate about working in the ESL industry as it generally exists in Asia, and I will also never be so “passionate” about any job as to be willing to dedicate my life to it. I value my personal time and freedom very highly and am simply not willing to sacrifice it for any job. However, I think anyone who’s been reading this blog can see that I am passionate about language learning, and I do genuinely enjoy helping people learn languages, including English. I just want to do it on my own terms, in ways that are actually effective for students, without having to give up my freedom to some company where I’ll be told what to do and how to live my life. I would also argue that I don’t necessarily need to be passionate about the things I do for a living, but that’s another topic. Finally, I want to point out that I don’t only intend to teach English. I intend to do a variety of different things, which will be revealed to you in time if you continue to follow this blog. I’m not telling you about them right away because I’ve found it does me more harm than good to announce my goals or plans in public.

• I will be going back to the US for a period of time, but at the moment I’m still in Taiwan and will be staying here for another two weeks. So I’ll probably share some thoughts about Taiwan in the next couple posts or so.

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Finally, here are a few of what I personally consider some of my best posts here on AOTDC Version 3.0:

• This is My Mission: Will You Help Me?: One of my first posts on this blog, explaining what inspired me to start it.
• How I Learned Japanese (or not): The long and very humbling journey to fluency in my first foreign language.
• This is Who I Am: Describes my past struggles with social anxiety, and how I’ve grown since then.
• Attitude is Everything: The important life lesson I learned during my year teaching English in Taiwan.
• English is NOT the “International Language”: My complex feelings about the status of the English language and the ESL industry.
• Introverts and Extroverts: Things Everyone Should Know: I think the title pretty much speaks for itself here.
• Losing My Mind in Barcelona, Part 2: People: About the nature of travel and how it often allows us to form deep relationships with people in short periods of time. (I actually almost deleted this post, because part of it is rather embarrassing! But then I read it and couldn’t help thinking, “Dammit, this is actually good… I’m going to have to leave it up.”)
• Why I Will No Longer Tell You Anything: My realization that public accountability is not effective for me.

I recently did something that’s either sheer brilliance, or sheer stupidity: I decided not to get another job.

And the fact that I currently have next to no money and am also in debt certainly adds some weight to the “sheer stupidity” side of the debate.

But you see, there comes a time when enough is enough, when you’re so fed up with the way your life has been going that you simply can’t tolerate the current situation any longer. No matter what the risk, you have to make a change or you’re sure you’ll lose your mind.

And this whole mess of getting fired without even really being hired has been the proverbial last straw for me.

I’ve had it!

Okay, let me explain to you what’s gone down since the gripping account I shared in my last post. You see, after writing that post I talked with my family and a few friends about what had happened. And to my surprise, almost all of them insisted that what the school owners had done was wrong, and that I’d been treated unfairly. After a long Skype conversation, my parents urged me to talk to the owners and demand they compensate me for the two weeks I spent at their school (which they hadn’t done, by the way). The words of my family and friends convinced me I had indeed been wronged, and so I went to talk to the owners that day.

I gave them a long speech about how I felt I’d been treated unfairly, how I had been honest with them the whole time and done everything that was asked of me, and how it was underhanded of them to let me go so quickly without even paying me for my time simply because I’d never signed a contract and therefore wasn’t “officially” hired.

What happened next was… not pretty, to say the least. The male owner came sauntering into the little meeting room and, with a grim look on his face, proceeded to send me on a guilt trip by talking about how they’d given me a month and a half of free rent, and paid for my health check, and given me all kinds of free food, and how they were busting their asses to find me a new job, and I had barely even said thank you. I wasn’t prepared for this kind of response, and it hit me hard. I couldn’t help feeling like he was right, and I was an ungrateful person, and how dare I make demands of these people who had been so kind to me… And I started to cry and apologize profusely. Like I said, it wasn’t pretty.

Not surprisingly, all this left me feeling depressed and emotionally drained. The school owners continued with their “kindness” towards me despite my ungrateful speech, and offered to meet with me to help me prepare for the job interview they’d set up for me. I didn’t feel nearly as excited about this new job as I was supposed to pretend to be, but I agreed mechanically, not wanting to seem ungrateful.

And I almost went to that interview, too. I almost took that job and signed a year of my life away to letting someone else tell me where I had to be and when, to depending on someone else for my livelihood.

But then I had another conversation with another friend, who helped me see that I was being manipulated. These people were not setting up interviews for me out of the kindness of their hearts. They were doing it to protect themselves, and to put me exactly where they wanted me. They wanted to keep an eye on me, to mold me into the kind of teacher they want at their school, because I have “potential”.

(The male owner actually said to me that the only reason they were helping me was because they might want me back eventually. He also said, and I quote, “I don’t know you well enough to really care about what happens to you.” Don’t ask me why I listened to anything he said after that.)

And so I decided not to go to the set-up interview, and not to accept any more “help” from these people. And I started hunting around for other jobs…

But then I realized that I didn’t want a job. At all. The very thought of getting another job actually made me feel sick to my stomach. I was tired of the drama. Tired of having to put on an act to please people. Tired of pretending to be excited about things that don’t really excite me, or even things I don’t believe in. Tired of short vacations that only come at the priciest peaks of the travel season. Tired of selling my time to make other people rich. I had simply had enough and I could not do it any more. Trying to make myself get a job at this point would have been like trying to make a fish climb a tree.

And so I told them I’m leaving Taiwan (because I can’t legally stay here longer than 3 months unless I get a job, and that’s not happening). I replied to all the English schools I’d e-mailed my resume to and told them I was sorry, but I could no longer continue my application. I burned all my bridges. And I borrowed money from my parents– something I had never done since I started working– to buy a ticket back to the states. I’m going to start over.

Thus I’m finally doing something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but never quite had the courage to pursue: I’m starting down the uncertain but exciting path of self-employment. I don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” (I think that saying is naive and over-simplistic), but I think that if you have the right attitude, you can find your own reasons for some things that happen and turn them into something positive. I know that if this whole fiasco had never happened, I would never have found the motivation and the courage I needed to do what I really want to do, which is to make sure I never have to have another job ever again.

I’m sure you’re wondering how exactly I intend to provide for myself, but I’m not quite ready to reveal that just yet. All I’m going to say for now is that I plan on working online. I’ll tell you more about it soon enough!

So, do you think I’m out of my mind, or does all this make total sense to you? Have any of you quit your jobs and decided to become self-employed? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

The school owner tossed me a bag of steamed dumplings. “Here,” he said, “Eat these.” They were always giving me food.

I grabbed one and sank my teeth into its juicy, curried insides as the female co-owner, who was clearly battling a cold, also began to pull up a chair.

“Honey, you don’t have to…” said her partner evasively. “I’ve got it.”

And it was then that I knew we weren’t going to be discussing lesson plans like I’d thought.

He sat down across from me, and I knew what was coming before he even said it. “We all took a vote on whether or not you’d be continuing to teach here,” he explained, “and it was a unanimous no.”

My mind was flashing back to the last time I was in Taiwan, six years ago. I was teaching at a certain large chain school that tends to hire any native English speaker with a bachelor’s degree and a pulse. And yet, even with such basic requirements, it seemed I wasn’t up to the job.

With a hushed and very serious tone, the head teacher had taken me aside to a separate room. The problem, she said, was that the other teachers felt uncomfortable around me. I wasn’t friendly. I didn’t greet them when I came in or turn around to chat with them– I just made a beeline for my desk and sat there with my head down all day. And it was unacceptable, she said. She couldn’t have me bringing the other teachers down.

I was shocked. All of this was news to me– I’d had no idea I was giving such an impression, and suddenly being called rude and unfriendly was extremely hurtful. I tearfully explained that I just wasn’t a very outgoing person and I wasn’t good at socializing, but I’d never meant to be rude to anyone. I would try my best to do better.

My sincerity must have shown, because she let me stay, and I finished my contract. But I was still left thinking there was something wrong with me.

As my mind swelled with the images of this painful memory, the school owner was still talking. His words were still filling up the small room, flowing into my ears and weaving in and out of my thoughts. Then there was a pause, and almost without thinking I blurted out, “Can I ask why?” I just had to know why.

And then it was five years ago, and I was working at a Quiznos Sub in my hometown of Centralia, Washington. Once again I had been taken aside. Once again I was being told the other workers felt uncomfortable, that they found me rude and unfriendly. And I was crying, crying my eyes out. Feeling ashamed, feeling like a small child wanting to hide. And once again my tears got through to them, and they saw I was sincere, and they let me stay. And eventually they got to know me, and accepted me. But still I was hurt, and I didn’t understand. Why was it so difficult for me to interact with people? Why hadn’t I figured it out by now?

Now the school owner was saying that he couldn’t speak for the rest of the staff. He could only give his own reason, and his reason was that he felt I wasn’t passionate enough about teaching. I wasn’t a bad teacher, and I had potential, but he was looking for someone with more passion.

Wait, that’s it? I don’t have enough passion for teaching? It’s not because I’ve offended someone?

And he was still talking. He was saying he wanted to help me out as much as he could, because if I eventually develop the kind of passion he’s looking for, I could be a very valuable addition to his staff and he might want me back. He had a school in mind, a school he used to work at that he thought would be a good fit for me. It would be a good place to develop my teaching skills, he said, and he could get me a job there. He would get me a job, and help me find a place to stay, and even introduce me to a Chinese teacher if I wanted.

I couldn’t argue with anything he said. He was right– I wasn’t as passionate about teaching as him or the rest of his staff. I enjoyed teaching, but I didn’t love it so much that I lived and breathed it, that I could think of nothing else all day, that I wanted nothing more than to teach and to become a better teacher– and that was the kind of passion he was asking for. After spending two weeks at this school talking with the teachers and observing their classes, I could see that very clearly. I suppose it’s possible I could develop that kind of passion for this profession, but right now I don’t have it. I decided to come to Taiwan and teach because I don’t mind doing it, and it can be fun, and I need to make money, and I’d like to improve my Chinese.

But honestly, my biggest reason for coming back to Taiwan– the one I haven’t told many people about– is because I want to do it over. Taiwan really is a fun place with a lot to offer, but I wasted most of my first year here huddled in my apartment feeling sorry for myself. I mean, I had some things to be sad about, sure, but life could have been so much better if I’d just changed my attitude and given Taiwan a chance. And so here I am, six years later, finally giving Taiwan the chance it deserves. But most importantly, I’m giving myself a chance to prove that I’m a better, stronger, wiser person than I was six years ago. Maybe the old me wouldn’t have been able to handle this experience, but the new me most certainly can. Just watch me.

*******************************************************************************************

So, there you have it– I’m in Taiwan! ^^; (Taipei, to be precise.) I plan to stay here and teach English for at least one year. I have no idea what I’m going to do after that, but I’m leaving myself open to whatever possibilities may come my way.

And yes, I know I keep saying I’m going to start updating again, and then not posting for over a month. I guess I just haven’t found a convincing enough reason to take this blogging thing seriously, but today I found myself feeling like writing a post, so voilà. I’m not going to make any promises to post more regularly, but we’ll see how it goes. Anyway, thanks to anyone who still cares and has taken the time to read this.

I’m writing this post from SeaTac Airport, and just over an hour from now I’ll be getting on a plane headed to… *drumroll*

…Madrid!

That’s right, Madrid, Spain.

HOWEVER…

I will only be staying in Madrid for three weeks to visit a friend, after which time I will be headed to…

…A soon-to-be-revealed destination where I will be staying for one year!

Okay okay, I’m sorry I just did that to you, but I couldn’t help myself. And I’m going to keep you in suspense for just a bit longer, because this post isn’t about what lies ahead, anyway. (I will tell you about that later, don’t worry!) This post is about the culmination of the six months I’ve just spent here in the states– and the culmination of my music project.

I’m proud to say that I’ve finally accomplished something I’ve had on my secret bucket list for years: I’ve recorded an album of original songs. It was even more work than I thought it would be, but it was most definitely worth it. Now I’ve finally gotten some of the songs out of my head and made them into something I can share with the world.

I’m not going to share the whole album with you at once (especially since some of the songs still need to be re-mixed), but I will gradually be releasing a few select tracks on Youtube to get them out there and gauge the response. The first one is called “Seize the Day”, and you can watch/listen to it here:

Click here to view the embedded video.

If you like the song, please feel free to share it! I will be posting more songs on Youtube soon, so if you’re interested in hearing them please subscribe to my Youtube channel and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Google+.

There’s a lot more I could say, but I’m going to keep this post short since I have to catch a plane soon!

So, what did you think of the song? And where do you think I’m going after Madrid? Let me know in the comments!

If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you probably know that I recently spent ten months living in France as an au pair. “Au pair” is a French term meaning “on the same level”, and it refers to a young person who goes to another country to live with a local family as a sort of nanny, looking after the children and running errands in exchange for a small salary and the opportunity to experience another culture. The majority of au pairs are young women, but it is possible for men to do it as well. It can be a great way to learn another language and become familiar with daily life in another country, even if you don’t have a lot of money. So in this post I’m going to explain how to take advantage of this opportunity.

Me sitting on the grass at the Jardin du Luxembourg

Please note that, although there are opportunities to work as an au pair all over the world (especially in Europe), the information in this post refers to France specifically, since I can only speak from my own experience. Requirements and conditions vary quite a bit in other countries. For example, au pairs in Germany can’t be older than 24, and England doesn’t accept American au pairs at all. So please do your research before getting your hopes up!

The requirements to be an au pair in France are that you must have a high school diploma, be 18-27 years old, have some experience caring for children (i.e. babysitting), and have studied French before. The French government also requires au pairs to take French classes (at least 10 hours per week) while in France, and in most cases you will have to pay for the classes yourself. However, you will also receive a salary of at least 240 euros per month. (My host family was quite generous and actually paid me almost double this amount!) Since you won’t have to pay for groceries or housing, the salary should be enough to cover your class fees and leave you with some spending money as well. The host family should also pay your transportation fees. (I got a monthly metro pass that I could use all around Paris.) If you’re looking to save or pay off debts, though, being an au pair probably isn’t the right thing for you.

Also, although it should be obvious, it has to be said that you probably won’t enjoy being an au pair if you don’t like children. Most au pair positions involve spending several hours a day with small children, and they aren’t always going to act like little angels! In my case I actually didn’t have to deal with this, since the children in my host family were quite responsible teenagers. My job was mostly about running errands for the very busy parents, cooking dinner, and occasionally helping the kids with their homework. So positions like this do exist, but they are definitely the exception rather than the rule. All of the other au pairs I met were living with families with small children. Although schedules vary depending on the host family, you may be required to spend up to 30 hours a week caring for the children. You will probably have to get up early every morning to get them ready for school. You will definitely get at least one day off per week, and in my case I always had the whole weekend free. However, some au pairs do have to work part-time on Saturdays as well. You will also get two weeks of vacation if you commit to spending a whole school year in France.

So, if you meet the requirements and are sure this is something you want to do, you’ll want to know how to actually go about doing it. At this point you basically have two choices: Either apply to an agency, or find a host family on your own through an au pair matching website.

Quaint buildings in Provence

Since I had never been an au pair before and wanted to make sure everything got taken care of properly in terms of paperwork and such, I chose to apply to an agency. In hindsight, however, I wish I hadn’t done so and would not do so again. The agency I applied to charged a very hefty program fee of $595, and I never felt that their services were worth this amount of money. The US-based agency basically worked as a mediator between myself, an agency in France, and potential host families. So the French agency would contact the American agency with potential family matches, and the American agency would then contact me so I could then contact the families. There seemed to be no good reason for all these middlemen, and it created a lot of waiting time that was really frustrating. The agency did help me apply for my visa and things like that, of course, but it was nothing I couldn’t have done myself. It might feel like more work doing all the research yourself rather than having someone tell you what to do, but there really isn’t much of a difference. In the end, I was still the one who had to gather all the documents and fill out all the forms and go to the consulate to get my visa. The agency just told me which documents to gather and where to send them.

So, if I were to do this over again, I would definitely find a host family on my own through a matching website. There seem to be several out there, such as Au Pair World and AuPair.com, and others (just search Google for “au pair” to find more). On these websites, you simply create a profile and contact families whose profiles interest you. Obviously this route requires you to be a bit more thorough with your research, since you don’t have an agency screening families for you. But if you’re smart and have common sense, there’s no reason you can’t do the screening yourself. Just make sure you know what kind of situation you’re looking for, and ask the families a lot of questions. You would have to do the same thing with an agency, anyway– they give you the information about potential families, but you still have to talk with the families and make your final decision yourself. As far as I see it, the only difference is that you have to pay the agency a large fee, whereas most au pair matching websites seem to be free to register!

If you’re American, one other thing you should be aware of about the application process is that you will have to go to the nearest French consulate to apply for your visa in person. I live in Washington state, and for me the nearest consulate was in San Francisco. Such a trip obviously costs money– and that’s on top of the $130 fee for the visa itself. So I would definitely recommend looking up the location of the consulate nearest you to get an idea of how much it will cost you to get there.

You should also assume that you will have to pay for your plane ticket to and from France. Some host families might offer to help with this, but it is definitely not a given and can’t be expected. So, with that plus the visa fee and the potential travel to and from the consulate, I would say you’ll need to budget at least $2000 just to get yourself to France. Once you’re there, though, you basically won’t have any expenses at all. And the experience is definitely worth it in my opinion!

As an au pair, I met lots of great people from around the world, traveled to some great places in Europe, improved my French, discovered some delicious new foods, and learned more about myself. And most importantly, I can now say that yes, I have lived in France. And I have no regrets.

Just another Parisian view

If you have any more questions about being an au pair in France, please ask in the comments and I’ll be happy to answer the best I can. Thank you for reading!

When I first started writing this blog, I was reading a lot of other blogs. A lot of these blogs gave advice about how to achieve what you want in life, and many of them said that you should set specific goals and make yourself accountable for them. If you wanted to lose weight, for instance, you should set a goal to lose X number of pounds in X number of months, and tell everyone you know about it. And tell your friends you’d treat them all to Big Macs if you didn’t meet your goal… or something. These bloggers seemed to know what they were talking about, so I decided to follow their advice and share some of my goals here on this blog. It turns out, though, that this was actually a pretty bad idea.

Strangely, I found myself just not caring as much about my goals after I had shared them. I think I have this need to keep things to myself, to keep my goals sacred, to keep them things I’m doing just for me. Sharing my plans with the world seems to have the effect of contaminating them somehow, taking away the sparkle they had when they first came bursting into my brain. My ideas are like treasures to me, and sharing them in public just seems wrong somehow. Maybe that sounds haughty, but it’s the way I feel.

And I don’t know what it is, but for some reason I seem to react adversely to outside pressure. If I feel like people expect me to do something, I want to do it less. I guess I just have this rebellious streak in me. No, I will not settle down with a stable job and a house and a car and a husband and 1.25 kids, no way. I really think part of the reason I don’t want to do these things is just because they’re expected. And if I put goals that are important to me in the category of “expected”, I’ll start to rebel against them too.

The other problem is that I change my mind so easily. I get so many ideas, and they all seem so exciting at first. But I usually spend a lot of time jumping around before I latch onto one thing and stick with it. The latching on is often an impulsive decision, which is why I really can’t know what I’ll be doing next until I’ve actually gotten on the plane, signed the contract, or made some sort of step beyond the point of no return. I am completely unpredictable even to myself.

To give you an example, for a while I was really into learning Russian and thinking about going to spend some time in Russia. I actually looked up different programs and schools and jobs and visa laws and thought about getting some fur-lined boots and everything!

But then I read somewhere online about jobs on cruise ships, that let you make a lot of money while traveling around the world, and I thought that would be a perfect way to travel and use my languages and pay off my student loans!

But then I was suddenly overtaken by a passion for music, and started playing the ukulele. And I thought to myself, oh! I know! I’ll move to Hawaii and get a cool job guiding Japanese tourists on dolphin swim tours, and on the weekends I’ll sit on the beach playing my ukulele!

But then I started writing a bunch of songs and seriously entertaining the thought that I might become a famous singer-songwriter. And I even came back to the US and stayed here for several months to record songs in my dad’s studio, and it got pretty serious. (!!!)

But then I thought, okay, let’s be realistic. I can’t expect that I’m going to become famous, and I really need to make some money to pay off my loans because my savings are running out. So it would make a lot more sense to go back to Japan and teach English. Yeah, I miss Japan and I want to go back anyway!

But then…

Well okay, I think that’s enough. You get the idea, right? And all the above happened not over the course of several years as you might expect, but over several months. This is my directionally challenged life.

And it’s not that I’m a flaky person who never commits to anything. Once I’ve decided to see something through, I can be extremely dedicated. It’s just that I tend to spend a lot of time bouncing around before I get to that point of deciding to commit. Commiting to something is a big deal, and I won’t do it until I’ve thoroughly investigated my options.

But on occasion I’ve made the mistake of getting too excited about an idea, assuming I was actually going to do it, and telling people about it. Then a few weeks later when people asked me if I’d started doing such and such, I would always feel a bit embarrassed when I had to tell them I’d changed my mind and I wasn’t actually going to learn to build igloos in Antarctica, or whatever.

So, here’s how it’s going to be from now on: I will no longer make any future-tense declarations about my life in public. On this blog, I will only write about things as they are happening or have already happened. And if I should ever tell you about what I’m “going to” do, make sure you take it with a grain of salt, because there’s always about a 60% chance I might change my mind until I’ve actually gone and done something. But hey, surprises are fun, right?

Can anyone out there relate to this post? Does public accountability work well for you, or are you more like me?

Since there are some interesting language-related things happening on the Internet at the moment (and some new readers may be making their way to this blog through the below video), now seems like a good time to write a post about languages.

First of all, if you haven’t seen it already, check out this fun music video I got to participate in with some of the Internet’s most well-known language learners:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Later this week, I’ll also be taking part in a live discussion about language learning with some of the polyglots from the video.

The discussion will be hosted by David Mansaray, and the panelists will be Luca Lampariello, Richard Simcott, Steve Kaufmann, Susanna Zaraysky, Robert Bigler, and myself. All of us have been successful in learning foreign languages, but we have each done so in our own unique way. So the goal of this discussion is to show people that there is no one-size-fits-all way to learn a language, and to help give learners some ideas to push through the frustration they may feel in their efforts to reach fluency. If we could do it, so can you!

Edit: The discussion is now finished, and you can watch it right here:

Click here to view the embedded video.

As you may know from my most recent posts, I took a bit of a hiatus from language learning (and blogging) to focus on a music project after returning to the US from France five months ago. But now that things are getting wrapped up and the music project isn’t taking up so much of my time, I’ve started to get back into language learning again.

Although I’ve studied several languages in the past, I’m not satisfied with my level in most of them and would like to improve them before starting anything new. So, for the moment, I’m working on polishing up my Mandarin. I hadn’t studied this language for quite some time, but after working with it for a few weeks I can feel it starting to soak in again. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep it up this time!

So tell me, what did you think of the music video? Will you come to the discussion? And what language learning projects are you working on right now?